Bloody Mothers
by Secrets-and-Smiles
Summary: Ianto has some interesting phone calls with his mother...


**Author's Note:** Torchwood is owned by the BBC.

_Valentines Day_

It had been quiet all week and the team were bored, for once all paperwork was up to date, there were no bodies waiting for Owen to dissect and no new updates for Tosh to complete. Owen rolled his eyes as Jack and Ianto emerged from his office, Ianto looking a little dishevelled, "I see you're keeping yourselves entertained" he remarked.

Ianto blushed and Jack just shot back with, "jealousy's an ugly thing you know?"

He then promptly turned and pulled Ianto closer to kiss him but was rudely interrupted by Ianto's phone going off.

Ianto fished it out of his pocket and groaned before flicking it open. "Mam" he said, trying to sound cheerful, he made his way down the stairs, his back to the team and the team unashamedly listening in.

"Erm I'm kind of busy now mam, I'm at work…I know I said I'd call I'm sorry…I know…I, yes, no, mam don't say that. It's just my jobs a bit busy…I know I _only_ work for the tourism office, it's a busy industry! I'm busy! Okay, okay, so er how are you?"

Jack grinned as the usually stoic Ianto was getting flustered by his mother. "No mam I can see where you're going with this," he lowered his voice and hissed, "mam I do not need you to set me up on a blind date."

Jack's grin grew wider and Owen sniggered.

"Yes mam she was a nice girl but…mam she had a lazy eye…no I'm not being shallow I just like to know if someone is talking to me or the bloke behind me…yes mam."

Owen and Jack began to chuckle.

"You already set me up with Sally…oh she's getting married…mam that doesn't mean that we would be now if…mam why do you assume I cocked it up?" Ianto hissed again, "I do not! Mam I'm not that bad… Mam honestly I don't need a date for Valentine's day… and anyway how do you know I don't have one? I could have a date…yes I could. I'm not completely useless…yes I realise that. Mam it's a stupid day that card companies created to make more money…" Ianto scowled and raised his voice, "no mam I'm not being 'utterly male' about this."

Tosh failed in suppressing a snigger.

"Now mam, come on don't cry…mam what part of I'm not lonely do you get? Oh you're lonely?" Ianto visibly gulped and sighed, "mam grandchildren are not the be all and end all."

At this point Owen was howling.

Ianto scowled at him, "mam…what if I don't want kids? Mam there's nothing abnormal with that! Anyway you have Rhi's two…mam you can't know that mine would be better behaved…"

Gwen was going a nice shade of red as she tried to contain her laughter.

"Michelle? Who the hells Michelle? She wasn't in my class…what Michelle Clark? Mam…I hate to break this to you but Michelle used to be a Michael!"

Owen was nearly on the floor… "mam I'm not being prejudiced at all I just didn't get along with him when he was a bloke, why would I like him now?" Ianto groaned, "mam I don't care if they look realistic."

Gwen and Tosh were giggling and Jack was wiping tears from his eyes.

"Mam…listen I'm only twenty six don't write me off…yes I know Rhi was younger than me when she met Johnny…no can we please not talk about Lisa? I know life has to go on…"

Jack stopped laughing for a moment as he could see the tenseness in his lover's shoulders.

"MAM!" bellowed Ianto, making everybody jump as he tried to get a word in edgeways, "please can we drop this? What else is there to talk about? Oh dear god will you please…mam I can do commitment…of course I can…" he flushed bright red and whispered, "no I am not just sowing my wild oats…"

Unfortunately the whisper echoed around the hub and by now both Jack and Owen were on the floor laughing and Gwen and Tosh were wiping away their tears.

"Mam I am not discussing my sex life with you…no…because…you're my mother and its plain weird…when did I last what? Mam! Look I'm going to hang up now…yes I am…yes I am…no you are not calling Jessie's daughter for me...no I refuse…"

Ianto sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, "Mam there's a tourist here, I've got to go, yes okay…no I don't want Sarah's number…I'm sure…I've got to go or else I'll get a bollocking from my boss," he sighed."Mam I'm not trying to get rid of you, there honestly is a tourist here…" his gaze flickered up to Jack. "Some American bloke…" Jack was still laughing and Ianto frowned. "Yeah he's always in…constantly bugging me…" Jack looked affronted and Ianto turned back around and suppressed a smirk. "Yes mam, look I've got to go…take care…yes, yes okay…mam seriously I have to go, bye."

Ianto flipped his phone shut, smoothed his suit down and turned around, to see everyone still trying to contain their laughter. He groaned inwardly, sighed and said, "coffee?"

_Birthday_

Tosh watched fondly as Jack followed Ianto around the kitchen, Ianto's deft fingers grabbing mugs and placing beans in the machine, as Jack wound his arms around his waist. Their whispering, only faintly heard with chuckles coming from Jack as Ianto obviously came up with a witty reply.

Their peace was broken by Ianto's phone going off, he looked at it and groaned, "don't you dare laugh" he said to Jack, this led to Owen, Gwen and Tosh's ears pricking up, this could only mean one thing…Ianto's mother.

Tosh knew why Ianto didn't tell his mother about Jack and it seemed that Jack understood and was happy with the way things were. Ianto and Jack had a strange relationship where they were very much in love but were very private about it. Ianto was still obviously a little uncomfortable with their intimacy in front of the team, although Tosh could understand this due to Owen's constant comments, let alone anything else.

"Hello mam…yes I'm good ta, how about you? How's Rhi? Still married? What do you mean by that?" Pink patches appeared on Ianto's cheeks, "do you only ever call me to discuss when you're going to get a daughter in law?"

Silence permeated the hub as Ianto listened, "mam…I already have plans for my birthday…well then you shouldn't have told Laura that I'd take her out. That's not my problem mam…what do you mean what am I doing? Do you want me to send you photos for proof or something?"

Ianto rubbed his face, "no mam…I understand you worry…mam I'm not going to be alone on my birthday…I dunno I'll probably just go for a drink with my work mates…" His voice took on a suspicious edge, "yes Tosh and Gwen will be there, why?" He coloured immediately, "no mam!"

The hub burst into laughter, Ianto's mother's implication was clear.

"What do you mean why? Because!" He sighed, "yes that is an answer mam… no I am not introducing you to them! Look mam I am not doing this whilst I am at work…I'm busy, look mam, I'm sorry about Laura but you're going to have to back out of it for me…well you should've asked me first…well I know I would've said no, but I'm saying no now aren't I?"

Ianto began pacing the room, "yes mam…I promise mam, look I have to go…yes mam…I'll speak to you soon…bye."

He flipped the phone shut and groaned, "that woman is going to be the death of me."

Tosh pretended to look hurt, "Ianto, why don't you want me to meet your mum?"

Jack swatted Tosh lightly on the head, Gwen giggled and Owen smirked as Ianto was just simply lost for words.

_Christmas_

"You can't ignore her forever" said Jack as Ianto's phone rang for the fifth time that day.

"I can try" scowled Ianto.

Jack shot him a look "you know that she won't give up."

Ianto sighed and answered his phone, "hiya mam."

Owen chuckled as Ianto's face dropped, "no mam…well I wasn't going to come down for Christmas…I told you I already have plans."

He closed his eyes, "no mam…I have _plans_" he said, placing an emphasis on the word 'plans'. An excited squeal rang from the phone and reverberated around the hub making Gwen wince lightly and Ianto sag in his seat.

"No I'm not bringing them home for Christmas…"

Jack and Ianto had planned to spend the day in bed; drinking coffee and keeping warm in various ways, not potentially give his mother a heart attack.

Jack began to massage Ianto's shoulders; he bent his head down and said, "just tell her."

Owen, Tosh and Gwen looked up in interest; this would be a big step for Ianto and Jack, the mixture of happiness and fear was evident in Ianto's face.

He returned back to listening to his mother, "no mam she won't be coming to yours for Christmas…" he took in a deep breath, "well 'cause she's not exactly a she…"

A yelled noise came from Ianto's phone and he jerked back in surprise, he looked at Jack with an unreadable expression on his face and then jumped up and walked away, hissing down the phone at his mother in Welsh. Jack was worried, Ianto was livid, and although he often said red was his colour, it wasn't as fetching when his head looked like it was about to explode.

"Gwen what's he saying?" asked Owen.

"I think there's a reason why he's saying it in Welsh" replied Gwen, biting her lip worriedly.

Jack sighed, "come on please Gwen, I take it she's not happy?"

Gwen looked at him, "do you know why Ianto was so worried about telling her?"

Jack just shrugged, "I don't know we haven't really talked about it."

Gwen sighed "Jack, I think she might be Catholic, they're arguing whether homosexuality is a sin or not."

Owen frowned, "didn't she try and set him up with a girl who used to be a bloke once?"

"Well she didn't know that though did she?" Tosh said quietly. "She was probably teasing him after he told her. Also, it's one thing joking and another thing knowing that her son is gay…she seems pretty hung up on grandchildren."

Jack cleared his throat, "ah."

Silence permeated the hub as Ianto ranted in Welsh down the phone and finally hung up. He smoothed down his suit, plastered on a fake smile and said, "coffee anyone?" The others nodded, too scared to say anything.

An hour later Ianto's phone rang, he looked at it and promptly switched it off, this carried on for a week. Ianto never told Jack what was said, but he had a good idea. Jack made sure to be especially affectionate to Ianto and, although it was never said, Ianto appreciated it.

After two weeks Jack looked at Ianto pointedly as his phone rang, "you're not going to be happy until she apologises so you might as well hear her out."

Ianto sighed, knowing that Jack was right and answered it, "yes?" he said icily.

The team shivered, Ianto was obviously very angry and none of them wanted Ianto to use that tone on them in the future.

"Yes, well I was less than impressed," he said, moved away from the team slightly. "Well it's my decision, it doesn't change who I am but if it's too much for you and your nosey neighbours, its fine, I've got all I need here."

Jack smiled sadly, he didn't want to affect Ianto's home life but they were in love, there was nothing wrong with that.

Ianto's tone of voice changed "really?" He listened to his mother for a few minutes before saying "yes, well I appreciate your apology. Yes, I suppose it would be nice if you could meet."

Jack blanched, Christ he never even thought about having to meet the in-laws.

"Jack... his name is Jack" Ianto said, his nervous eyes meeting Jack's and immediately Jack stopped feeling scared about meeting Ianto's mother. Jack gave Ianto a small smile of reassurance and Ianto smiled back, he was so lost in the look Jack was giving him that he stopped paying attention to his mother.

"Wait, what was that sorry?" Ianto's eyes grew wide in shock and he immediately switched to speaking in Welsh again.

Jack prodded Gwen, "what's he saying?" he whispered, not wanting Ianto to still be unhappy or for another row to happen.

Gwen cocked her head to the side, listened and began to laugh, "are you sure you want to know?" she chuckled.

"Yes!" said Jack frustrated, wishing not for the first time that he had bothered to learn the Welsh language.

Gwen took in a deep breath and said "she wants to know if she'll get any adopted grandchildren."

Jack's eyes grew as wide as Ianto's and he shouted loudly "tell her no Ianto, tell her no!"

The team began to laugh hysterically as the usually unflappable captain began to panic.

Ianto looked at his lover and groaned as he realised that Jack knew what he was talking about. "Bloody mothers" he muttered, forgetting that he was still on the phone. "What? Oh no mam not you..."


End file.
